Years ago, before the orange one even launched his first campaign to run for president, my mom and I came up with the idea for a fake right-wing pod caster known as Dick Dickson (later changed to Dixon, but clearly having a first name that sounds like the last as is the case with many prominent figures on the right: Tommy Thompson, Erick Erickson, Hugh Hewitt, etc.). The original concept was not to make this satire, but actually infiltrate the right and shine a light on some of their more extreme views. I couldn’t bring myself to go through with it.
During the 2016 campaign and throughout the orange one’s presidency, I wondered if the man was the real Dick Dixon (a joke my mom and I had was “will the real Dick please stand up”). He so perfectly shone a light on the most extreme and dark beliefs held on the right. So many times, he uttered the words that should have been not only the death of his career, but the death of the dark side of the Republican Party. But time and again, the reactions of his ardent supporters confirmed what I believed could happen; that which made me turn away from ever going forward with the plan to unleash Dick on the world.
The last time I was on Facebook (before my recent return to form Cat ladies for Kamala Harris), during the early days of the pandemic, I shared the first installment of a satirical feature that I thought about submitting to Funny Times. I never did.
I know that MAGA has infiltrators who are trying to sow division amongst liberals and make Democrats look ridiculous. My Cat lady group moderators are quick to decline such posts, ban such bad actors, and organize members to disengage and turn to real world action. I couldn’t bring myself to return to social media in 2016 and I have felt some guilt over that. We need people who understand infiltration, who know ways to alter the algorithm, and who can boost morale. So, for the first time ever, I am sharing my satire series from the late 2010s here. By the way, the documentary sited was actually an episode of The Carol Burnett show. I hope you find it enjoyable.
Suggested head: I think we're going to need a bigger government
There was this documentary that was made back in the 1970s called Sewer Shark about sharks in the sewers of many of our coastal cities. Few people ever saw the documentary because the government didn't want the American people to know that there were all these sharks in our sewers.
I voted for Donald Trump because I believed he could drain the swamp and expose all the sharks! You wouldn't think that sharks would make up such a huge special interest group in Washington, but you'd be surprised to find out about all the shark huggers in all levels of government.
You ever wonder why the Kennedys, people who are supposed to be all about the environment, are against wind turbines being erected off the coast? It is because windmills kill sharks! The vibrations from the turbines have been scientifically proven to cause sterility in sharks.
We could be creating thousands of jobs, bringing in lots of money to U.S., and furthering our energy independence if it weren't for all these shark lovers.
The fertility of other fish is not affected by the windmills. Sharks are the only fish that gives live birth, and that has something to do with it… Sharks use internal fertilization rather than just shooting their load on a pile of eggs.
Ultrasonic vibrations from windmills are said to confuse male sharks in such a way that they try to mate with other male sharks and attack female sharks. I think it is horrible that we have politicians that care more about sharks than the livelihood and security of the American people.
But you know what’s even worse? There is all this plastic garbage in the ocean. Islands of it that our bigger than Texas! It hurts a lot of commercial fishing, but not sharks. Sharks can eat that garbage and survive! We are going to get to the point where the oceans have nothing but sharks! I guess that China will be happy then… all the shark fin soup you can eat, but I happen to like tuna and lobster too. And no matter how many sharks people eat, there will still be sharks getting into our sewers.
I don't know why we don't try to get rid of that plastic in our oceans. What's so bad about landfills? You dig a hole, line it with concrete, fill it with trash, and when it's full, you pave over it and put in a golf course. I like golfing. Who doesn't like golfing? Even Obama golfed, and we were all better off when he was out golfing rather than making people buy healthcare!
People are so damn afraid of GMO corn, when they should be afraid of GMO sharks! Just when you thought sharks couldn't get any worse. I'm normally all for giving the Department of Defense more money, but not if it's for genetically modifying sharks! They are trying to make bigger, even more vicious sharks that can live off a diet entirely made up of human feces! You see, these scientists figure that when there’s a hurricane, the sewers get flooded and there's just sewage everywhere, and it takes a lot to clean that up. I mean, I guess that could help us to cut costs associated with waste disposal and water treatment, but it's only going to make the sewer shark problem we have in this country that much worse!
When I was a kid growing up in Louisiana, one of those sewer sharks bit the hand off my mother! That’s when we moved to the Midwest.
I used to have to roll out pie crust for my ma because she only had the one hand. I love pie! If I had President Trump over for dinner, I'd give him two slices of pie and two scoops of ice cream.
People always say “as American as apple pie,” and that's me. I love pie, our flag, President Trump, and I hate sharks!
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Suggested head: Making a really big stink about a really big stink
The recent Supreme Court ruling… the one that allows business owners to deny service to certain people… I'm all for that! I don't have any problem selling my bakery to members of the LGBT community though. To tell the truth, I would rather have those customers, because at least they're clean; you know, they smell decent. But this court ruling wasn't about LGBT… it was about small business owners having the right to deny service, and that's important.
There are people that I don't want in my shop. They stink to high heaven! It's like a mixture of ashtray and poop. Like, “who took a poop in the ash tray?” A lot of them are mentally challenged. There is nothing wrong with that… I find many mental tasks challenging. It’s just that these people need to take a shower. A lot of them are welfare mamas… they come in here, stinking of crotch and cheap perfume… disgusting! I have thrown these people out of my store, and I deserve to have that right.
No one wants to buy pie and donuts in a place that stinks of ashtray, crotch, imposter cologne, and poop. I mean, it just stands to reason. The gays, they come in here smelling fresh as a daisy. That's great! But these women, with their leggings that don't fit and their big pregnant bellies hanging out… get out of my store! You have a craving for a donut? Go to the 7-11! I thought Jesus dealt with the unwashed so I wouldn't have to!
I mean, isn't that why Jesus died on the cross? If he washed away our sins, then why are there so many people who are just filthy? Doesn't really make much sense to me. At least in my store, I have the right to ask these people to leave.
It's a whole other story when I am frequenting someone else's business. It never seems to fail, I'll be stuck behind one of these ashtray poopers in line, waiting to check out. Sometimes it is just too much for me and I gag, which is always met with a look of disgust, possibly disbelief, by the offending party, and I just want to say to them, “must you smell like this?”
I think we need to be doing a better job at teaching personal hygiene in schools, because it seems like a lot of people didn't get the memo: when you bathe, you're supposed to get some soap and water on your body! You know in Haiti the government there paid an artist to paint murals to educate people about hand washing to prevent the spread of disease. Why can't we spend our tax dollars on that instead of shark reproduction studies?
Not long after I bought my house, I had a window salesman come to my door. He said that he could give me a free estimate, and as I was looking to replace some windows, I invited him in. Big mistake! Not only did the guy smell like an ashtray, but he had a serious body odor problem. I called the company to say that I would not be going through them to replace my windows.
A couple days later, another smelly person from the same company stopped by. He wanted me to let him in the house, but I said that we could speak outside. He wanted to know why I wasn't going to go through his company to replace my windows, so I flat out told him that I didn't intend to do business with a company that is okay with their employees stinking to high heaven. I said that it took a thorough steam cleaning, carpet shampooing, and several cans of air freshener to remove the invasive odor of his colleague from my home, and that his company is fortunate that I am not suing for damages. He acted shocked. He gave me his business card. I gave him a bar of soap and yelled, “Now get off my lawn Shawn, and get yourself clean!”
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Suggested head: These loaves seem fishy
You know, every now and then, I think I might actually be Jesus. Not saying that I actually believe that I am, but just consider the similarities: I never knew my father, I've been persecuted my whole life, I hang out with prostitutes and tax collectors, I have made numerous loaves materialize from just a small sack of grain. I could be Jesus!
It's not like people would just welcome Christ with open arms if he were to walk among us today. His brethren would be but a few people that others would describe as conspiracy theorists or nut jobs. I mean, the anti-Christ would have more followers because people are so easily fooled.
Jeff Bezos could be the anti-Christ. He gives people what they want, so they would be complicit. A shopping experience where you don't have to smell the other customers? Brilliant! Just the kind of thing an anti-Christ would do.
We know the man’s a false prophet because, hello… Washington Post! Fake news! That is what our president says. Our president can't be Christ though. He knows who his father is. He showed that philistine Bill Maher his birth certificate to prove he wasn't the son of an orangutan. His dad is Fred, not God.
But I never knew my father. My mother claimed he was killed in a shrimping accident, but then she'd have to make something like that up if my father was God. Shrimping accident is just the kind of excuse that an angel would tell her to say.
Jesus was a simple man; a carpenter. I’m a simple man; a baker. I have fed the masses, and my girlfriend Mason says that my chocolate hazelnut strudel helps relieve her cramps, so I've healed the sick.
Jesus had 12 apostles just like a dozen donuts. Okay, 13 if you count Judas, like a baker’s dozen, but I believe that to be blasphemous too (why should I throw in an extra donut… wasn't dying on the cross enough for you people?).
So there you have it. Many compelling reasons for you all to believe I’m Jesus. But of course I'm not Jesus. This just goes to show how easy it is to come up with a plausible conspiracy theory. It's just like the left-wing conspiracy theory about Trump colluding with Russia. I mean, what does collude even mean? I don't know. I don't think President Trump knows, so how can he be guilty of collusion when he doesn't even know how one goes about colluding?
By the way, I love ordering stuff from Amazon, I just wish that Prime subscriptions cost less. President Trump is trying to charge Amazon more for the use of the United States Postal Service as a way to urge Mr. Bezos to lower the cost of Prime subscriptions.
Our president is always thinking about the American consumer. This is the same reason for the tariffs; a way to urge Americans to buy American and save them money on imports like chocolate and bananas. I know that I will be making bank on my chocolate chip banana bread once these tariffs take effect!
President Trump, I've got a loaf with your name on it!
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Suggested head: We need more bakers not takers
You know what TANF really stands for? Takers All Need Financing. I mean, that must be what it stands for right? Because there’s nothing temporary about it. And I'm not certain that the families it's assisting are really all that needy. I've seen the types. They've stopped by my bakery. These people try to buy donuts with their EBT/Food Stamp card. Well, I don't take cards. Mine is a strictly cash business. You should see these people. They drive newer vehicles than I have. The women all have enough money for acrylic nails and designer purses. I mean, if you can afford that stuff, why are you taking money from hard-working Americans like me?! We've all been suckered! That's why.
Now, there are kids going hungry, I know that. They may get breakfast and lunch free at the school, but their parents don't cook. If they can't use their Food Stamps for ready to eat items, then they don't bother. I mean, if I accepted Food Stamps, sure these kids might get some donuts and pies, but that's all they'd get at home. I'm doing the responsible thing by not accepting EBT. These parents should learn how to cook nutritious meals for their kids.
What I sell in my bakery, these are treats. But I know that if these Food Stamp families could use their EBT in my shop and places like it, all these kids would be fed nothing but pies and cakes all weekend long. It would be nothing but junk food. And the parents wouldn't have any incentive for preparing food for their kids. It would just be more work that they wouldn't need to do. They outsource the care of their kids all week long to the schools that you and I pay for. We pay for their care from seven in the morning to seven at night. It is not just school… it's breakfast, lunch, and these after school programs. The kids get a snack of some sort during the after school programming.., it's something small… milk and a piece of fruit or graham crackers, but the parents see this as dinner. What are the kids getting at home? Very little!
So what are they doing with Food Stamps? Well some of them are buying food items that they then go and sell at farmers markets. They buy junk food to eat at home, but are buying healthy foods to mark up and sell at farmers markets because they know they can make a quick buck off of naive liberals.
People like to say I'm exaggerating, or that I'm anti-education, and nothing could be further from the truth. I think that Food Stamp recipients should all get free cooking classes. Maybe we could even teach the women how to style their own hair and apply acrylic nails on themselves. That could save them enough money where they could feed their children some nutritious meals.
You look at parents today, and what are they teaching their kids? They're teaching them to be lazy… to be users and takers. When I've been asked to donate bakery, I say, “no,” but I do volunteer to teach kids how to bake. I've told some of these kids, “now you can teach your mom and dad how to bake.” The kids seem to like that. You know, if the government wanted to pay me to teach these parents how to cook, I would gladly accept the offer. Taking a class is way better than taking a handout. It's just like that old proverb… give a parent a fish and they’re likely to say, “what do I do with this?” and throw it away. Teach a parent to beer batter and fry fish, and they can feed their family!
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Disclaimer: Dick Dixon is the alter ego of Jen Dolan. He is a conservative small business owner who operates a bakery in a small town in Central Missouri. Jen Dolan resides in a small town in Central Wisconsin.