Recently I read that some in the disability community are mad at Lizzo for using the word “spaz” in a song. I read this during a time when I am struggling to get the accessible bathroom modification that the Medicaid Community Waivers program had already determined that I needed nearly a year ago. I read that while my partner, Will, and many other people with disabilities who want to work are being denied that opportunity. I read that as someone who experiences a lot of spasticity and the occasional seizure, and guess what? I have no problem with Lizzo using that word.
Growing up, I was taught that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words? Oh yeah, words only hurt you when you let them. Real harm comes from action, or more often than not, inaction.
Focusing attention on changing how we talk about women’s issues so that we use words and phrases like “people who menstruate,” and “people who give birth” probably hurt us in retaining women’s rights. Overturning Roe will not be the last action to hurt marginalized people, and the more certain people distract from the real issues by debating how we say things, the more we stand to lose.
What gets me is this notion that sex, gender, race, and even ability are the biggest constructs of our identity. I would actually identify as an artist, a writer or a teacher more than I would identify as a disabled asexual woman because priorities. What is most important for other people to recognize about me? Maybe that I am a human being who deserves some respect and dignity.
This past week has been a difficult one for me. On top of feeling physically unwell, I have also come to the realization of how being in a long term care program, even a self-directed one, has stripped away so much of my privacy and my dignity. I think back to what it took for me to get on disability benefits in the first place; I kept a detailed journal of symptoms that was far from comfortable to write, and likely far less comfortable to read, because anything short of that is not enough.
This week, I had to do this once again so that the Department of Health Services can understand exactly why having a transfer bench is not enough to make showering safe for me. I had to spell out how lifting my legs over the edge of a bathtub while sitting is just as difficult for me as lifting my legs while standing. It was recommended that I be infantilized further by having a nurse come in to critique how I care for myself. So you know what? I don’t give a flying fuck about words!
Progressivism is a big part of my identity, but the much ado about nothing that so many other people identifying as progressives are engaging in is actually killing progressivism, which is supposed to be about progress, which is about action. I don’t care what anyone calls me, as long as I get the things I need. But the wants of some very privileged people are outweighing the needs of the truly marginalized. The three words I have uttered most this past week are, “does not compute.”
I keep hoping that we have reached peak stupid, and yet it appears as though things are going to keep getting stupider. I shouldn’t envy the people who didn’t live to see these times, and yet I do. That does not mean that I want to die; I just want things to get better. I want people to actually want to unite rather than seek division. I find it much more important that we meet the basic and safety needs of all people than to bicker over trivialities.
If I had to decide between helping two children, one who is crying because she is hungry, and one who is crying because she was called a doo-doo head, I would help the hungry child. That is a decision driven by logic. I do not understand why so many people have abandoned logic.
I am not saying that bullying doesn’t matter, but there are degrees of harm. I have always been bullied, but I learnt to shrug off the small stuff and discern what is a real risk to my wellbeing. I fear that too many people are not acquiring this ability. We need to get better at choosing our battles. We need to develop some toughness. If not, the future looks very bleak indeed.
Waging war over words does us no favors
You should not have to go through so much shit to get the care that you need, and you absolutely deserve human dignity just like everyone else. If it were within my power to do so, I'd take away all your pains and limitations or at least force the people in charge to give you whatever you require to be safe in your home.
For me, personally, words do hurt me. The emotional and psychological abuse I experienced as a child absolutely shaped my life for the worse. I'm still suffering from the consequences of words, and I believe they've impacted my physical health.
Brain scans show that when someone experiences emotional pain, the same pain centers in the brain light up as when they experience physical pain. Just because we can't see pain, that doesn't mean it isn't real.
However, I don't think it's helpful to turn everything into a suffering contest. The health care system in America teaches us that care and compassion are scarce and that we're in direct competition with each other to get it.
Care and compassion create more care and compassion and that ultimately benefits all of us, but they don't want us to believe that. They don't want any of us to believe that anyone else's suffering is as real as our own, or else we'd see the healthcare system for what it is: a human rights violation.
I get your frustration. You need real practical action, and people are quibbling over words, but dehumanizing language leads to dehumanization. Language created the attitude that it's ok for someone else to suffer and/or die. It is not a natural human response to see someone hurting and to do nothing about it.
You're right that people often defend those who didn't even ask to be defended. I think this is the result of people feeling helpless against the really big things. They can't stop climate change, school shootings, the erosion of women's rights, or the healthcare system, but they can stop Lizzo from saying "spaz." They're desperate to feel any sense of efficacy in this crazy world.
I think you know that it isn't those who say, "people who menstruate," who've eroded women's rights. The people who've eroded women's rights are the same people who would eradicate all trans people from the face of the earth, if they could.